I’m Pregnant Again, But This Time It’s Different
This is the first pregnancy that I am able to move through with joy.
It took a lot to get to this place. In the 5 years since I had my firstborn, I have had 4 jobs. I kept finding myself at companies where I was over-performing and under-supported. I was beginning to lose hope that I could both love my work AND be a present mom. Each new pregnancy has reignited a fire in me to commit to serving working parents. It finally feels like I have made some progress towards helping the next generation of mothers and parents, all before I have another baby of my own.
This time I have…A workplace that provides parental leave.
During my second pregnancy, while working for a company that sold a service specifically for families with young children, their policy stated that they did not offer paid leave. When I questioned HR about how that fits in with their company values they said “You may be new here, but this is the way it has always been done.” That one experience created a ton of trauma for myself and my family. I was anxious about how to provide for my family before the baby even arrived. The quality of my work remained strong because my job depended on it, but I knew I was not at my best. My direct reports suffered because I was unable to support them while dealing with all of the resentment I was feeling. After my unpaid 6 weeks were up, I dropped off my daughter each morning at daycare, both of us crying. I feared she would never realize I was her mom because she was away from me every day. We both built resilience from that experience but we shouldn’t have needed to. I left that job shortly thereafter, and it wasn’t because my team or my manager wasn’t great. It was because I wasn’t supported as a working mom.
This isn’t just about mothers, either.
After we had our son, my husband requested to work from home 2-3 days a week ( before that was the norm) after only taking 2 weeks off for paternity leave. His female colleagues that had recently become moms were able to work from home as they adjusted to their growing family so he figured it shouldn’t be a problem to get that same benefit.
It was a problem.
He had to go through multiple rounds of formal and informal requests only to get told he could maybe work from home 1 day a week. At the time, we couldn’t afford full-time childcare and that meant I had to juggle both work and parenting for 18 months.
There is so much you can’t plan for in parenting and in business but there are many ways you can manage expectations so that everyone is on the same page. Once starting in my current role, I saw that we had a policy for parental leave in place but we didn’t have a plan. I used my negative experiences in the past, to create a better process for the future. Although no one asked me to draft a plan for parental leave, I knew that no one would. I would have to step up and own it. Because I now work for a company that trusts me and wants the best for each employee, I knew it would be worth my time to put in the work and provide a solution. I wrote a detailed plan for before, during, and after leave. I focused not just on the employee but also on the manager, team, and organization. This time, it was seen, felt, and implemented. I am proud that I saw a gap to help out our working parents and change was initiated.
More on parental leave plans:
Only 17% of employees have access to some sort of paid parental leave in the U.S. It’s not enough to say “Yes we totally support you”! You have to show it to everyone in the company by offering, talking about, and getting feedback on the policies that line up with that support. The way to get working parents to stay and succeed in the workplace is to make sure your benefits match your work culture. A policy is great but if you don’t have a plan, everyone loses. Creating a guideline for both the people going on leave and the team members supporting them is crucial for employee retention. The reason we are failing to keep people, women in particular, after parental leave is that we never gave them a reason to stay. We didn’t collaborate with their managers to send them off well and welcome them back with intention. A plan for leave only works if the employee, employer, and team feel aligned and prepared.
Parental leave policies aren’t “nice to have”. They are a retention plan for your employees. When your employees feel supported during ( and after) a major life event, they will work harder to stay there. I have friends that are staying committed to their companies because of the parental leave policy. Even in the jobs my husband and I have now, we both feel supported as working parents by our employers and that motivates us to be our best at work.
This time I have…Resources
Having awareness and access to the right resources allows me to thrive. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had to ask my OBGYN 4 times in 4 different appointments for a referral to mental health services. Time and time again as I got the courage to say out loud that something doesn’t feel right, my doctor would waive it off and tell me its fine. I’m fine. It was all normal and there was nothing to worry about. Finally, after months of me being brave and getting no help, she said she could refer me to a maternal health clinic. I had no idea that even existed. When I went for my first appointment, I learned that there were a handful of other services I could use during my pregnancy and postpartum. I took advantage of all of them! My postpartum journey was one of the most peaceful experiences because I had so many resources available to me. Suddenly I had a holistic way to recover after my baby was born. I have realized over the past few years that there are actually plenty of resources to help pregnant and postpartum moms, we just don’t hear of them enough. We often don’t know where to go to find them either. Saying out loud what I needed opened the door for so many resources. I now have a whole list of the necessary support that I tell my mom friends about. I know what I need this time around and I know how to care for myself so that before my 3rd child is even born, I am getting the support I need to be my best for my family.
Resources to consider when having a baby:
Therapy - ask your doctor for referrals to mental health services specific to parenting. Some insurances even cover these services.
Childcare - If you are a working parent, you will have to consider what childcare looks like. Some prefer at-home care while others prefer programs that offer 9-5 childcare around other kids. Most places have long waitlists and it will take time to find the right caregiver for your child.
Meal trains - When people ask you “Let me know what you need” give them a meal train link. It’s an easy ask for the person wanting to give and a helpful resource for the parent that has no energy to cook for those first few weeks.
Pelvic Floor Therapy - if you are a birthing parent, I highly suggest pelvic floor therapy. It’s critical to your recovery and most times not offered unless asked for by the patient.
Support Groups - be it through community organizations or Facebook groups, finding people with a similar life situation is a great way to get the support you need. The Mom Project is a great resource for working parents that also has a mentorship program for those getting back into work after leave.
This time I have…Community
I have worked hard to build a community that supports my family. I mentioned in a previous blog, that community is the one thing we all need. We are wired for connection. As a parent, I have learned that I need to create intentional relationships. I can recognize where I will need help. There are people in place that I can call on to help with meals, encouragement, and words of wisdom. Community allows me to feel prepared for the journey of parenting rather than overwhelmed and alone.
Parenting was not meant to be a one-person job. The old adage “It takes a village”, could not be more true. There are so many people that raise my children, I often credit many others before myself when my kids are well-behaved. Because I have community, having another baby doesn’t feel impossible to support. Our community extends beyond our family and includes people in our neighborhood, schools, work, and lifelong friendships.
This time my pregnancy is different. I don’t blame any one person or company for not feeling supported at work. There are many ways they could’ve done better and there are many ways that I could’ve held more boundaries or asked better questions. Sometimes I didn’t feel like it was a safe enough environment for me to ask and other times I had no idea what questions to ask. This time, I am grateful to represent the parents and own the process from start to finish. As parents, we shouldn’t have to make the choice between bonding with our babies or providing for our family. While I believe you can’t always do both all at once, we shouldn’t have to choose between being a great parent or a great employee. The more voices, perspectives, and ownership we have in business around parenting, the better we can prepare for how to care for our employees during these big life events.
